he sprung the question on me, though i knew it was coming. it was like a jack-in-the-box: you know the clown is going to spring out on "pop goes the weasel", but it still surprises you every time. (sidebar: why is it a clown, if the song is about a weasel?) we were lightheartedly discussing religion, if such a thing can be done, and suddenly, he was questioning my happiness. needless to say, i didn't know the answer. thus, i went into a rather loquacious answer about the subjectivity of happiness.
he saw right through it and added "so no" in a mixed tone of sympathy and condescension.
while initially i wondered where he got off asking me such a question in front of other people and then answering it for me with a tone that suggested i was somehow sad, now, i think about it and realize where it is that he got off.
unlike me, he is happy... he was honestly, truly happy.
now, whoa... i'm not some self-pitying depressive, who needs hugs and celexa. see, it's not that i'm unhappy; it's that i'm not happy. i'm in an ambiguous state of satisfaction, and i feel it's safe to say that nearly 99.7% of my day is spent feeling pretty good about life and living.
however, not being unhappy doesn't mean i'm happy. happy is a hard place to be, and usually an even harder place to get to. i have heard people say over and over that you determine your own happiness, that to be happy you just have to decide to be so. honestly, i think that's crap.
and, so, i wonder if it's not me who should be sorry for him.
today, to be truly happy means to me that you are either ignorant or selfish. while i am very easily not unhappy with the world, it is incredibly impossible for me to be happy with the world. i am not satisfied or pleased when our worst nightmares occur in reality on a daily basis. these are things too difficult for me to ignore for the sake of my own happiness. he, however, seemed quite apt.
i think the distinction needs to be drawn. i determine my own unhappiness, but we decide as a whole the happiness of the sum.
it's humbling to see how little power you have in determining your happiness, but truly significant to choose not to be sad.
thanks to the boy.
posted by brett @ 4:16 PM
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