i determined, or maybe decided, tonight, that i have no ambition. while other people have strong desires to go out into the world and do wondrous and even not-so-wondrous things, i do not. my greatest desire everyday is to check my email. if i were 5 years old again at this very moment and you asked me what i want to be when i grow up, i couldn't give you an answer. there's nothing i want to be.
i mean, sure, i want to be a good person and all that jazz, but not really if it requires any sort of participation on my part. i do not plan to be mean, yet i do not plan to be inordinately kind either. this may be where my reputation as a bitchy snob comes from.
regardless, my point is that i do not wake up in the morning wishing i was doing something in particular. my interests consist of leisure activities: shopping, watching tv and movies, eating, dreaming about a lifestyle ridiculously more expensive than the one i have. and though i enjoy all of these things, i do not feel an honest passion about any of them. i would never truly enjoy being a personal shopper or a television exec... though movie star has not been stricken from the list.
i think being famous is the only thing i still daydream about, but i've always heard that the people going into the world looking for fame are the ones who never find it. so i've never looked for it in any sort of outright manner. i just try to lounge around looking fabulous, hoping lightning will strike. i want to be famous but not extremely famous. i want to be "natalie portman" famous. i want to be "julianne moore" famous. the kind of fame where you can still splash out on some jimmy choo's and not feel guilty while still not having to worry about your face showing up on star or the natty enq. i am passionate about fame... passionate yes, ambitious no.
however, i am ambitious about love. i must correct myself on that one issue. there is little to nothing i wouldn't do to find love. i am always looking for love. right now, my scenery offers little hope, but i still try. i am a love-finder. i call it that because love-looker-for sounded silly. how you turn finding love into a career, i do not know. the columnist thing is now cliche, so we love-finders are now forced into pennilessness. it doesn't stop us though. love-finders are relentless.
"i am a person looking for love..."
posted by brett @ 3:46 AM
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