i've decided i want to become a local celebrity. with or without aspirations to make it to the national playing field, i want to grab chicago by the balls (or hair, if our fair city happens to be of the vaginal sex) and acquisition some clout. balls of hair or hairy balls in hand, i would gladly give the public what they so desire - their very own resident celebutante. i would don oversized, dark sunglasses and derelict-chic clothing when in public during the day, inevitably spreeing of the shopping variety or enroute to a yogballah lesson. i would let my weight fluctuate and become a topic of frenzied conversation in our very own redeye and other local mags and rags. i would go blonde, as every and anyone of even the slightest reknown should. i would be seen at the hippest parties and trendiest bars & clubs, offering up my amazing tabletop dancing skills for paparazzi fodder. i would become orange, the only natural skin color for someone that famous. i would do product endorsements in the land of the rising sun and other asian nations, perhaps even releasing an album or two there under a pseudonym. i would make the rounds on the local talk shows, radio and television, giving insight to those aspiring to be me. i would. and i'd be good at it.
now, to figure out how i put this plan into action...
some ideas:
1. become an heir -- stricken, as my parents are not moguls
2. become a local fashionista -- stricken, seeing as my parents are not moguls, i cannot afford to be a fashionista
3. become actor in area productions -- potentially stricken, as apparently being an actor in chicago will only get you missed connections on craigslist, not celebutante status
4. become writer of popular column -- potentially stricken, as this is incredibly cliche post s.a.t.c. if the column deals with sex, which what popular column outside sports doesn't?
5. become star of leaked sex tape -- stricken, as this rarely does anything for careers already in place much less those still floundering; a flash of your can is only a flash in the pan
6. become host of area television or radio show -- potentially stricken, as this requires either a good face or a good voice, neither of which i'm entirely lacking, but neither of which i'm in entire possession of; furthermore, this is a pretty hard gig to land even for someone as dynamic on camera as myself.
7. become reality television star and gain fame upon my return to chicago -- stricken, as i can barely stand to watch most reality television starring real people much less be on such a show
i guess i'm screwed. shucks.
i.f.o.t.d. - ringworm. i don't know how you get it or what it does to you, but i'm totally creeped out by it.
posted by brett @ 6:49 PM
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