somehow, despite my best efforts, i think i've become the "crazy ex".
i really tried not to. i coached myself on how not to appear insane.
i didn't let myself call everytime i wanted to, knowing he has caller id and that i'd hang up.
i didn't let myself get drunk, listen to sad fm (music for for the over thirties), and send sure-to-be-regretted text messages... okay, so i only let it happen once.
i didn't let myself run over to his place in the rain and throw pebbles at his window in what i, at the time, thought would surely be a grand romantic gesture because, in reality, no one opens a window for a crazy person in the rain.
i didn't let myself send him the email i've got saved in my drafts folder - the one that attempts to explain it all, the one that tries to clear the air, the one that says i knew he didn't love me in november, the one that tells him i've loved him since october but didn't know it until december.
i didn't. i've been very careful.
yet somehow, in the past few weeks, despite all my tiptoeing and wrist-slapping, i have managed to let the craziness seep through all the mental defenses. regardless of how guarded i've been and of how much i haven't let escape, i've appeared too eagerly open and have put too much out there.
even though i didn't let myself call him, i've let myself chat with him online.
even though i didn't let myself text him, i've let myself send him a couple "friendly" emails while he's been away on business.
even though i didn't let myself run to him, i've let myself have dinner and drinks with him.
even though i didn't let myself tell him i loved him, i've let myself say "i miss you".
it was all in the spirit of being friends, but when your spirit has been broken, i don't think you can be just friends. i've never been one to settle for half-reached dreams and missed opportunities, and i've found myself unwilling to compromise that in this situation. i don't know how to make the decision to let this find its own path, when for any other circumstance, i'd blaze a trail. my brain says "stop", but my heart says "go, go, go!"
...and i'm left knowing:
i didn't want to be, but i'm his crazy ex.
------
he's been in detroit for a few weeks now. i have no idea if he's been back to chicago on the weekends or not. i'm hoping the next 4 days or so will be a nice respite from thinking about him.
tonight, i leave for vermont with the madre superior. we're driving, so it should make for plenty of quality brett and mom time.
i hope to take plenty of pictures to share once i get back, but 'til then, adieu.
hold tight 'til tuesday.
posted by brett @ 11:22 AM
4 Comments:
put the crazy down and take a step back...
nice bridget jones reference by the way.
have fun on your trip!
And you are not crazy, btw. In fact, sounds like you are handling things surprisingly well. Just don't hurt yourself in the process... I was an expert at that, and it wasn't pretty.
one of the reasons i started blogging was because i became the 'crazy ex'. i wanted to get even with him. blogging made me get over him. maybe it will for you too...
Aww :(
I have a blog now too, because I need SOMETHING to do at work.
You're not crazy. promise. We just do the best we can, you know?
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