svendella, mine fairy blogfather, sayeth: post or you're grounded!
...and so, i'm back, bitches.
i figured to christen my rebirth into the blogging world after almost a month of dead cyberair, i'd go to my go-to gal, the one who gave me life in the first place, the only woman whose vagina i've been inside (though this is the subject of much debate), that crazy lady of quips, zings, and burns...
my madre.
and so i share some of her most recent amusing musings.
on my brohem (what we say for brother in my fam) potentially joining the army...
madre: oh, brett! brett, we need you. you need to come home!
moi: dear lord, woman, what is wrong?!?
madre: brohem is talking about joining the army. we need you.
moi: oh my! yes, i'll be home. just say when. i want to be there for him and for you guys. i understand that you need me now.
madre: wait, what?
moi: i want to come home to support, ch'all.
madre: no, no, no, you sensitive susan, that's not what i need you for.
moi: well, then what are you getting all worked up about?
madre: i need you to give him his escape hatch.
moi: wtf?!?
madre: yeah, tutor him so if it ever gets scary he can just open the gay hatch and let the homo flow.
moi: *click* *sound that phones make when someone hangs up on you even though this conversation was on a cell phone and they don't make that sound*
on mr. foley and his page...
moi: hello!
madre: oh my god brett, you never told us you were a page in d.c.
on mr. mcgreevey and his book...
madre: so i watched oprah today and that gay governor from jersey was on there.
moi: james mcgreevey.
madre: yeah, that guy. whatever his name is. anyway, what's this masculine love all you gays are talking about? because if it involves a bedazzler... it ain't masculine, mcgreasey.
on the gilmore girls...
madre: did you watch the season premiere of gg?
moi: yeah, i caught the dvr'ed version molly left me.
madre: that's us you know. we're quirky and close and fun. we're lorelai and rory.
moi: i guess... yeah, i can see it.
madre: only, you know. like you'd have to be recast as a girl... oh no, no you wouldn't.
moi: yeah, and you'd have to be recast as someone cool.
on project runway (and anne heche, i guess)...
madre: so is that michael fellow gay or what?
moi: heck if i know.
madre: well, did he ping your gay sonar or not?
moi: ma, it's gaydar and mine's broken.
madre: we better get that fixed. don't want you falling for some anne heche with a penis.
on anne heche (and everwood)...
moi: molly and i have been watching "men in trees" lately, and we think it's cute. i didn't think i'd like it.
madre: well it does have anne heche in it.
moi: yeah, but i don't mind her. it was more the concept that bothered me.
madre: oh, so all you all have finally forgiven her for what she did to ellen?
moi: yes, but the jury's still out on the whole goddess celestia bit.
madre: i always did like her on "everwood".
moi: mom, for the last time, stop pushing "everwood" on me.
madre: well, sorry, i just thought the title alone would hook you.
and you all can't imagine what was keeping me away from the blog...
helloooooooooooo!
dealing with that woman is a full-time job.
and such is my life on the second shift.
posted by brett @ 3:53 PM
12 Comments:
Mon Dieu
I like the idea of gay sonar. It makes queer life seem much more like a deep-sea adventure.
Glad to see you posting again. I was beginning to fear you'd gone into Rehab with Gibson & Foley.
that va-jay-jay thing might be a lie and you know it...
Seriously, if my mom talked to me like that, I'd have to disown her.
I prefer my parental units more along the lines of the hyper-judgmental, fundamental Christian sort.
oh my gosh, your mom is way cooler than my mom, give her some credit.... that anne heche with a penis thing is priceless!
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