the universe has been trying its best to get the better of me, but i'm not giving up so quickly. it's employing "the final straw" (also known as the "you're a camel; how's your back?") strategy. little things. tons and tons of little things, all going wrong. to culminate in me throwing my hands up in defeat.
i've had the sneaking suspicion something was up for awhile, now. little incidents would sort of make me take a moment and pause... noting the moment's strangeness and clear feeling of ulterior intention. the universe was trying to be subtle, but i'm one helluva gumshoe when it comes to things of this nature. they've been happening for a few days now.
some excerpts:
at work, we sell two different kinds of coffee - regular and then some other flavor that we choose at random. well, there's one random flavor i abhor - chocolate raspberry - because it smells a little too much like coffee-scented vomit. anyhow, the random flavors are supposed to come pre-ground so that we don't have to serve the same one everyday. needless to say, the last shipment came as beans, and a now-so-tender-to-my-heart patron requested chocolate raspberry. the last 3 business days have been vomilicious.
this very morning, i fell down in the shower. while my slender figure may suggest the skeletal structure of an elderly woman, i quite luckily escaped without a broken hip. only a fractured pride for this young buck. however, i am still haunted by the slight chance that someone either heard my bloodcurdling yelp and subsequent thud or caught a glimpse of the whole episode through the less-than-private ventilation window in our bathroom. believe me, i'm all shins and elbows when naked, and it only gets worse when wet. goodbye, peeping tom.
while going to get lunch today, i had a small encounter with the wind involving my umbrella. apparently, the wind doesn't like the rain either. he totally wanted my umbrella. at first we argued like small children do for the tv remote or a favorite toy. he'd pull; i'd pull harder. i'd kick him in the shin; he'd flip the umbrella inside out. we did this for about 3 blocks, then for a brief span of time, the wind claimed the umbrella as his own, taking it away from me and skipping down the street with it. who knew the wind was such a fruit? i shook my fist and threw expletives at him, doing my best impression of a homeless woman i once met in miami but my teeth kept getting in the way of my attempts to properly slur. about a half block later, the wind decided it didn't like my umbrella so much, leaving it floating in a puddle. it was now raining both above and under my nylon canopy. i laughed heartily to myself and shook my head at that darn wind, doing my best impression of a man i met living in a cardboard box in london.
coming home early from work yesterday, i waited for my train at what i thought was an empty platform, and as i'll have a tendency to do when i'm alone, i began to talk to myself with occasional outbursts of song and dance, as required by whatever was streaming into my ears via headphone at the moment. there i am, muttering to myself about where the hell my keys are - "well... they're not in there... hmm... maybe check the outside pocket... but why the fuck would i put them in there?" - and doing a little side-to-side step in rhythm with jay jay johanson... you know, basically being a complete dork. so i'm sorta lost in my head, when i look up because it felt like the air had changed. there looking right back at me are two girls maybe a couple years younger than me. busted! i stopped talking mid-word and instantly ceased "dancing". while i have no idea how long they had been on the platform with me, i made a point to sit in a different car than them.
other things that have happened:
we ran out of quarters and nickles at work on monday; you try making change with only dimes and pennies.
i got completely sloshed on saturday, began the end of my evening alone at hydrate, and made semi-important decisions with the new best friend i mentioned in a post prior; let's just say people were definitely calling their friends sunday afternoon telling stories about the fucking drunk guy at hydrate, i was the drunk guy, and the story was ugly.
sunday, i tripped over a rise in the carpet at best buy and fell down smack in the middle of the dvd section; i wasn't even there to look at dvds - it was just a shortcut to the remotes.
i poked a woman repeatedly with my umbrella while riding the train to work but didn't realize until about the fourth time it happened; she's lucky she wasn't one seat over or it would have been in her eye.
thus, i rest my case. the universe is clearly trying to best me, slowly but surely. day by day. one straw at a time...
but it's failing miserably because through some divine chance of insanity, i'm loving it all. i keep laughing it off, calling my friends immediately after each little occurrence and divulging every embarassing detail. i have to say that i'm beginning to think penelope cruz would have a crush on me because i'm turning out to be one damn good camel with a back made of steel.
the universe is so my bitch... and the wind is next.
i.f.o.t.d. - near my apartment, there is a small park - and by small park, i mean a vacant lot where a building used to be. according to what i've witnessed so far, this park is the coolest fucking thing in the world, if you're a bird. everyday, this little patch of gravel, weeds, and chainlink fence is chockfull of birds, seemingly having the greatest time of their lives. seriously, we're talking tons of birds. anyhow, my fear is that while walking by the bird park, a car will backfire or someone will get shot or they'll all turn evil and take to the sky in a massive flock. now, i'm not afraid of the birds themselves; no, i'm afraid that once in the air, they'll all poop on me.
posted by brett @ 5:18 PM
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