admittedly, most of them are from the thousands (i hope i'm exaggerating) of barcrawls i participated in during my 4-year stint at university. there's the "putting the fun back in belligerent", the "trick-or-shot" halloween special, and the "got knockers?" birthday crawl for a busty girlfriend of mine... the list goes on and on, but there are a few others, a small but fondly regarded group, that were not for barcrawls.
the baseball t-shirts stephanie and i got when we were working together and practically besties. mine said "i heart stephie", and hers read "brett's mascot". we haven't spoken in more than 2 years.
the ringer tees betsy ordered us after her horrific experience with formal sorority recruitment. like she does with most things failing to make a good first impression, she forever signed off on the greek system. the front of our shirts displayed in bold white lettering the greek symbols gamma, delta, iota. the back stating for all who cared, "i can wear my letters to the bars." i held no ill-will for greeks, but betsy was and is a force to be reckoned with, so i just went along with it. god-damned independent... not so much.
the bright blue "gay is the new black" tee i made myself for pride. i attempted to iron on the letter moments before we departed. it made us late. it didn't turn out so well. it ruined the urban outfitters t-shirt i used as its foundation. a project i'm not so proud of.
the maureen shirt. the maureen shirt is a little different. it's a ringer tee on which the left breast reads: molly's boss. however, because i'm slight, the double s runs into my armpit, leaving only "molly's bo". the back of the shirt displays a quote from molly's mother: "...living life on the frontline." it's different because i can't really remember the story behind the quote or why it tickled us so. i know it originated from a night with our mothers, one filled with bars and stories about us when we were younger. everything else is lost on me.
everything except the maureen shirt's message. living life on the frontline.
i've been thinking a whole lot lately about the future. really, when am i not? [rhetorical]
i feel like i've spent my whole life waiting for something to happen. waiting 23 years for my destiny to come find me. holding still, pursuing no diverging paths, so that i'm easier to spot. i've always known there was something out there for me. something that i was supposed to do or accomplish.
i just never imagined that i'd have to figure out what it is and where to find it.
as i mentioned before, molly got me a book for my birthday. the name no longer escapes me. i've started reading "what should i do with my life?" by po bronson, and it is already making me incredibly anxious.
i've barely finished chapter one, and it is already a book of amazingly meaningful unanswers and mystic, elusive answers. it scares me.
but i'm not a fan of fears. never have been, so i'm confronting this one as best i can. i'm trying to find my own answers. i'm going to keep reading the book and listen to what it has to say, but i'm going to make a conscious effort to figure out for myself what i want to (and maybe should) do with my life.
for starters, i am actively looking for a new job. i know working here is not what i want to do with my life. i have no passion for it. it does not interest me. it is not what i want to do. deductive reasoning is a gem.
also, just yesterday, i began my "new body, new me" regimen. i know being teeny tiny is not something i want forever because i know that whatever it is i do with my life, i want to have an ass while doing it. plain and simple. plus, i'm really excited to look hot in (and out of) pants.
destiny is out there, singing its siren song. i hear it, feel it, want it, and need it... and though i do not know where it is, where it hides or lies in wait, i'm certainly going to do my best to find it.
i'm not sure why it took me so long to figure this out. maybe it's generational. maybe it's transitional. maybe it's personal. i don't know, but i do know it's a little bit of my dirty laundry. something that had been nagging me for a long time, but it's nice to air it out. to see it in real light. it feels good not to fear lacking direction. it feels even better making my own compass.
it's great to put away the laundry and the past... the barcrawl t-shirts, the forgotten friends, and even, the fear of a little, green ringer tee.
posted by brett @ 4:01 PM
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