for the first time in a very long time, molly and i are both coupled.
and as roommates do, we share.
we share every little obsessive, bat-shit crazy nuerosis and fanatical, over-analyzed aspect of our relationships with one another.
i tell her about the pictures of joe and his hot ex, in which they look incredibly happy, and about the lack of our photographic history on the whole. she informs me of her unease with the potential for mr. b's future plans and her concerns with his ever-climbing age.
i openly ponder with her the meanings behind the stupid things joe says to me (case in point: "i already had the love of my life and he got away."), and she deliberates the necessity and silliness of celebrating a one-month anniversary.
this is what we do. this is how we deal. this is how we keep our relationships going.
we discuss. we confer. we decide. we keep going.
yet last night, i asked a question molly and i couldn't answer...
i turned to her, during our nightly relationship conversation, and said, "not that i expect it to happen anytime soon [because i don't], but out of curiosity, when do couples move-in together?"
"well," she replied, "most couples i know started living together about a year into their relationships... around the time they got engaged. they dated a year, moved-in together, got engaged, and the rest is history."
"...but. but i can't get engaged."
"yeah. hmm..."
and while the question may seem to be about when does a couple know the time is right to start living together, it goes deeper than that... it's easy to answer the question i verbalized, but the one i implied, well, it's a bit more elusive. a bit trickier. a bit harder to solve.
the question i really asked was:
as a gay couple, where the hell are we going?
we were stuck.
because there was no right answer. there is no path for us. there is no precedent.
gay couples, as byron put it, have no ruler. no tools for measurement. no timeline. no way of knowing what's expected of them or what they want the future to look like.
so with no potential for marriage, where is the potential promise of unyeilding committment? what do gay couples have to look forward to in their relationships as markers of their endurance and committment to one another? where are they going?
but before i wander, this isn't about marriage. it's about significance. marriage is simply the word for the signifier that this relationship is important and meaningful and true, despite what's going on in society and the defamation of marriage.
marriage is the capstone achievement in defining a relationship between two people, so without it, what makes six months together truly and significantly different than six years together? without the open and legal agreement that the coming years are important beyond health and wealth, what difference exists between a year and 10 years together?
...and suddenly, i understood so many relationships i had seen fail in the past. because without marriage, it's easy for him to pack up and leave you with the condo. because without marriage, "i'm scared", "i'm bored", and "i'm horny" become rational reasons to end 3 years. because without marriage, he can't raise a family with you. because without marriage, i can't see where we're going. because without the capstone, the arch crumbles.
while, sure, gays need marriage because it gives us rights and securities, we also need it to make our relationships survive. i know tons of people will disagree with me on this one, but how many gay relationships have you seen last more than a year, more than 5 years, more than 10?
me? i've seen only a handful, probably less than 6.
and why?
because they don't know where they're going...
i don't know what to look for...
i don't know where we're headed.
posted by brett @ 5:38 PM
3 Comments:
You can see...
You can see right now the sort of ferocity and the hurricane of bamboozlement this White House is capable of unleashing when faced with a pretty much impossible to challenge case that they misled the American ...
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first of all...do not say that I am "coupled" second of all...you are right in so many ways and unfortunatly all I can say is that you will figure it out with the person that you are in love with when need be. I agree with what Byron said...but I still think it is horribly unfair that you can't get offically married and you shouldn't have to move to Boston to have that right.
Wow, that is a really good point, I have never really thought about gay marriage in that sort of way, I think that is probably because I have never had a serious enough relationship to really put it on a timeline like that.
I think Molly and B are right though, I think you and your partner will know when you are ready for the next step. And I think when things get rough in a relationsship you just fight like hell to keep him there instead of letting him walk away.
Deep Thoughts with Brett.
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