a recent post by the fabulous mr. b got me to thinking. he wondered how his life would be different if he were a straight man rather than one of the swishy persuasion, and i couldn't help but wonder how my life would be different if i were the sex of the vaginal assortment.
yep, i began to think about life with fallopian tubes.
my parents had told me once before that had i been born with one more hole my name would be "samantha nicole", though my dad was really pushing for "kendra nicole". hello, white trash. thank the lord and tom ford for my mother's east coast sensibilities. beyond the name, though, i have no real sign post for what direction my life would have taken with a girl navigating. for starters, i have no sisters. i don't know what a girl sprung from my parents' loins would look like, act like, be like. sure, sure.... but, brett, you're gay. that's pretty damn close to being a girl already. what's there to really wonder about? um... only a million and one things.
i'd be trading g.i. joes for the barbies i secretly played with anyway and sleepovers in backyard puptents for tea parties with dolls and imaginary crumpets.
i'd be giving up the competitiveness of junior high sports like track and basketball for choir auditions and cheerleading practice (as if there's any doubt i would have been a cheerleader).
i'd be handing in morning wood for a period.
i'd trade in sneakers for stilettos... not to mention the multitude of other wardrobe upgrades that come with a vag.
it'd be totally sweet. all the things that i get judged on and hated for would suddenly melt away into normalcy. being a girl would let me love clothes. i could wear heels all the time. i'd rock out in skirts. and oh the purses. the purses. they'd devour my life. womanhood would let me love straight men. i could flirt with them. touch them. tell them to call me. and they'd like it. as a girl, i wouldn't have to keep waiting for my voice to drop. my dulcet, alto tones would become sexy or flirtatious. i'd be able to make millions as a phone sex operator. in girlhood, my desire to design and decorate and craft and style would be perfectly acceptable and socially condoned. making a home would not only be my pleasure but my responsibility. donna reed wouldn't have jack shit on this bitch. being a woman would explain away my career aspirations to become a trophy wife. i'd make one rockin' kept woman. you pay the bills, and i'll look fucking fantastic while sucking your dick.
more than anything, though, i wonder about the little things. what would i look like? would i still be tall and leggy? would i have big jays? would i go blond? of course i'd go blond... would my fashion sense still own? with my new options, how could it not... would i still be able to walk magnificently in heels? surely, i jest... what kind of boys would i date? would i have dated more in high school and college? would i have gone to college or would i have gotten pregnant in high school with the baby of the quarterback? no, certainly, i would have been on birth control in high school... would i like having a vagina? would it smell funny? no way, high fives on the clean punani... would i have been a plastic (or a mean girl for those not in the know)? hello, gretchen wieners all the way... would i have been smart or did that come with being awkward during puberty? would i have been awkward during puberty? would my nose still be big? and what about my jays? would i have the same friends?
and it's right there that i stop because i wouldn't. if i had been a girl, i wouldn't know any of the people i know right now. i wouldn't be living the life i live today, and considering how much of that wouldn't really bother me, the one thing that does is losing my friends to a cooter and some hot shoes.
it's fun to daydream...
but no thanks, i'll keep my pussy as a pet.
posted by brett @ 3:22 PM
2 Comments:
you know what's interesting? that you didn't follow mr b's lead and pictured yourself as a straight man :) instead of a straight girl.... :P
i have two pussies :)
that's a little creepy.
i suppose the universe does speak to us in little ways...
that or our parents were just incredibly lacking in the creativity department.
we so would have been bestest girlfriends.
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