i'm usually not into self-pity; it's so very winter '02, but what's the point of a web journal, if you can't use it to write the things you're too embarrassed to admit outloud?
maybe i shouldn't call it self-pity, though. as i don't pity myself because i'm single... no, i don't mope around and cry because i'm not in a relationship, rather, i get fed up with waiting for one.
i've discovered that when it comes to becoming not single there are no true theories.
my friends used to say that i didn't put myself out there, physically or emotionally, for a relationship. they will now admit that i am out there. i am open and appear ready and willing. nothing changed.
the new theory became that i was trying too hard. my active search for love made it flee like ducks during hunting season. my readiness being the opening shot, drowning out the sounds of wings flapping in escape. i stopped looking. i just looked for friends and nothing more. i've made new friends, but nothing's changed.
now, the theory is that i appear too desperate when a new prospect arises. i will be the first to admit that when meeting new people i am already mentally picking out what i'll wear on our first date... but really, who can blame me? i've been at this game for way too long to not have scored any points.
i'm tired of being told to wait. i'm tired of being told that it'll happen. i'm tired of being told there's no reason for a cute guy like me to be alone, though i don't mind hearing the cute part over and over again. i'm tired of being told to keep looking. i'm tired of being told it'll all change when i move. i'm tired of being told.
i'm tired of being told, so this is me telling you for once.
something's got to give.
i can't sit around for another spring, another birthday, another christmas, another new year's eve, another valentine's day without having someone special to me alone to share it with. my first relationship has been 21 years in the making, and that shit needs to get the fuck out of the oven. i can't sit around for another month, another week, another day and see plenty of other people finding not necessarily love but at least someone to pass the time with. my first relationship has been 21 years in the making, and that's been long enough for me to stop expecting the greatest love affair of my life, but it's a really long time to wait for a date.
i'd say i felt like a sailor's wife on her widow's walk, every night looking to the sea for her lover to return, but that'd mean i'd had someone. it'd require me to know who i was waiting for. i don't.
i don't feel sorry for myself, regardless of how this might read. i'm just tired. i'm tired of waiting and i'm tired of this building fear in me.
how do i know when i've waited too long for a train that's never coming to the station?
posted by brett @ 1:22 AM
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