hedrinksalot, the blog

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

one year in grade school, we had to go home and compile a list of as many homonyms as we possibly could. the kid with the longest list would get a prize.

i remember tearing through the dictionary, saying each entry outloud and wondering if there was another word that sounded exactly the same.

"surely, there must be a better way to do this," i thought. "ooo, there, that's one. t-h-e-r-e and t-h-e-i-r and t-h-e-y-'-r-e... aha, and must and mussed. hehe, way and weigh and that shit that ms. muffet ate... hmmm... maybe this is the best way to do this... yep, to, too, two. man, i fucking own at this."

finally, i reached a point where i thought my list was undoubtedly longer than any my slack-jawed classmates would compile. i couldn't wait for whatever prize it was mrs. beyers had ready for me... i mean, the winner. it was a catholic school, and jesus fucking loves winners.

that night, i prayed (needless to say, i then added prayed and preyed to the list) to all that was holy (yep, holy and holey, too) for (do i really have to keep pointing these out?) a victory. i knew (i mean, honestly, you've got to be seeing some of these yourself) god wouldn't let me down.

except he did.

crazy walter short, the boy who often claimed that giant squids attacked his house, forcing him to sleep, quite literally, in the dog house and thus making it impossible for him to do his homework, had apparently been compiling a list of homonyms for several years... his list was some four or five pages long. i mean, come on, walter, my fam was poor, too, but we definitely found better ways to entertain ourselves.

i was pissed. mad at walter. mad at mrs. beyers. mad at jesus. mad at myself.

i think the same thing must have happened to alan cooper when he was a child.

or maybe walter changed his name.