hedrinksalot, the blog

Thursday, October 28, 2004

i've been incredibly emotional lately.

on tuesday, i nearly cried while watching "the biggest loser". oh, and don't get me wrong, i didn't almost cry once... i literally almost cried the entire show. why? i cannot tell you. not because i won't, literally because i can't. i don't know why.

i've never been overweight. in fact, i've always been a slight suggestion of a normal sized human being. vertically, i'm average or above average size. i measure in at a lengthy six feet and one inch. however, horizontally, i'm a figment. the thickest part of my body is my head... maybe my feet from toe to heel. it's a close call. regardless, i'm not big. thus, i can't understand why these large americans' tales get to me so.

i have an exceptionally large soft spot for the kellies/kelly's/whatever you get the idea. on the show, there are two women named kelly - one on each team. everytime. every single fucking time one of them talks about her life and why she wants to be on the show, i well up. what the hell?!? it's so bad that during the commercials for "the biggest loser" where shorter kelly says, "i want to stay... i... i need to stay." i almost fall apart. jesus, i almost cried just thinking about it.

i must further this to say that it isn't just "the biggest loser" either. there's an ebay commercial about the goodness of people, that damned diamond commercial with the couple in italy screaming then whispering i love this woman/man, freaking "american dreams", this documentary about paul monette (sp?) i saw on ifc, and i know there's something with a kid in it that tears me up all the time, too. it's like television is out to make me have a heart.

and don't get me thinking about the cardinals being swept in the world series...

a single, demi moore tear runs down my face...

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

i really have to stop watching television at 5 o'clock in the morning.

i say this because i have now seen the same 2 infomercials more times than can possibly be necessary. i think it is safe to say i am now an expert on the internet treasure chest and the better sex guide video tape set.
the internet treasure chest, as i've learned, is the ugliness that has forever ruined ebay. it is responsible for those lovely web outlet stores that chock ebay full of 8 billion lots that are exactly the same. "oh, that set of steak knives has surpassed your maximum bid... well, allow me to show you one of my gatrillion other sets of the same steak knives. surely one of the auctions will end with you as the winning bidder." the best part of the infomercial is the man who cleared 1.7 million dollars in sales in one year. mind you, he only sold 1.7 million dollars worth of merchandise. they do not clarify to say how much he actually profitted that year. though, i must say that he just barely surpassed the 11 year old boy who runs his own internet-based business. he plans to use his income to build himself a game room. the boy says he saw the infomercial while staying up late during one summer vacation; the next day he ran to his dad to say, and i quote, "i want the internet treasure chest!" his dad apparently did not think the internet treasure chest was the adult entertainment site it sounds like and "telephoned right away".

the better sex guide video tape set is even better. the product, though i found it hard to figure this out from the semi-softcore porn/sunday night sex show infomercial, is a series of video tapes designed to instruct and inform its viewer on how to be a more satisfying and accomplished sexual lover. its infomercial is a piece of marketing genius. it airs at 5 am. it is full of beautiful women fawning over less-than-dashingly handsome men. it is about sex. it does everything short of having the tagline: "girls will lay you if you watch these videos". the guys behind this one knew exactly who their target audience was: the only people who'd be watching during their air time - sexually awkward, socially backward men. i almost wonder if they didn't develop the product after finding out what timeslot they'd secured.

i will soon post the website of my new online outlet store, the proceeds from which will be securing me techniques to score mad honies!

p.s. oh my god! i completely forgot to mention the woman who says "we've boughten a new van... and... and... it all wouldn't been possible without the internet treasure chest", then she does this strange little nod. kills me every time. "boughten"

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

i noticed i always begin my entries with one stand-alone statement.

i determined, or maybe decided, tonight, that i have no ambition. while other people have strong desires to go out into the world and do wondrous and even not-so-wondrous things, i do not. my greatest desire everyday is to check my email. if i were 5 years old again at this very moment and you asked me what i want to be when i grow up, i couldn't give you an answer. there's nothing i want to be.

i mean, sure, i want to be a good person and all that jazz, but not really if it requires any sort of participation on my part. i do not plan to be mean, yet i do not plan to be inordinately kind either. this may be where my reputation as a bitchy snob comes from.

regardless, my point is that i do not wake up in the morning wishing i was doing something in particular. my interests consist of leisure activities: shopping, watching tv and movies, eating, dreaming about a lifestyle ridiculously more expensive than the one i have. and though i enjoy all of these things, i do not feel an honest passion about any of them. i would never truly enjoy being a personal shopper or a television exec... though movie star has not been stricken from the list.

i think being famous is the only thing i still daydream about, but i've always heard that the people going into the world looking for fame are the ones who never find it. so i've never looked for it in any sort of outright manner. i just try to lounge around looking fabulous, hoping lightning will strike. i want to be famous but not extremely famous. i want to be "natalie portman" famous. i want to be "julianne moore" famous. the kind of fame where you can still splash out on some jimmy choo's and not feel guilty while still not having to worry about your face showing up on star or the natty enq. i am passionate about fame... passionate yes, ambitious no.

however, i am ambitious about love. i must correct myself on that one issue. there is little to nothing i wouldn't do to find love. i am always looking for love. right now, my scenery offers little hope, but i still try. i am a love-finder. i call it that because love-looker-for sounded silly. how you turn finding love into a career, i do not know. the columnist thing is now cliche, so we love-finders are now forced into pennilessness. it doesn't stop us though. love-finders are relentless.

"i am a person looking for love..."

Saturday, October 09, 2004

hooooooly shit!

my hair is o.c. in that picture... you know...

<---- that picture.

totally out of control!

more on this and other things later today.

edited on 10/27 to say:
picture has been changed... now instead of crazy hair, i'm being glib and not looking at the camera.

i turn away from my own words.

Friday, October 08, 2004

in all the freetime i've recently acquired, i've spent some of it reading the blogs/e-diaries/online journals of friends and strangers.

recently, a relatively close friend of mine composed an entry in his live journal about faith and his search for himself. in the midst of his words, he spoke of an interaction he had with two friends in which they discussed religion, the "self", and the need for confession(s). in summation, he came to a conclusion that i found both sincere and troubling. he said, "So yeah I guess I have been somewhat anti-social, but it's because I'm working on myself. However, just because I'm working on myself it doesn't mean I can't turn to friends... or God for guidance and strength."

i become uneasy when people talk about god and faith and religion and the role they play in life. after my own rocky past with catholicism, it's hard not to. and while i am happy that my friend feels he now has some place to find a compass for his life, i always fear people will take this compass and make it a map.

when people talk about faith, i feel they make the mistake of putting it in the wrong place. it's the faith in god. the faith in jesus. the faith in the goodness of the human soul. to me, faith should be in yourself.

i'm not trying to downplay god or religion as a pertinent or important part in people's lives. i understand how people can find themselves in looking to god for guidance and strength. i think in many ways religion is incredibly important because religion is a set of beliefs. though the organization may be different, i too have a set of beliefs. most people do, and that part doesn't bother me because i'd rather people believe in something than nothing.

what gets me is when people put the faith back in god. when they no longer look to him for guidance and begin looking to him for decisions. when they no longer look to him for strength and begin looking for an out.

if there is a god, he gave us free will... meaning god had faith in us. he put the faith in each and every one of us. he had faith in us to make the decisions. we think for ourselves because he wanted us to. following the faith of jesus and his father shouldn't be about finding all the answers in the bible, it should be about learning from what they taught and using that information to make decisions for ourselves.

have faith in yourself. god did.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

i think i have diabetes.

it's a thought i've been thinking for about 3 years. i'm not sure exactly when i became cued into the idea, but it has definitely been a nagging presence in the back of my mind for quite some time. maybe even 4 years.
regardless, i think i have diabetes. i'm thin. i weigh about 138 pounds (sidenote: why is pounds abbreviated lbs.?) and am approximately 6 feet 1 inches tall. actually, i consistently weigh 138 pounds and have been 6 feet 1 inches tall for at least 2 years. needless to say, this is a bit light. i'm not quite emaciated but am definitely thinner than svelt. i'm diabetes slender.

beyond the build, i'm always thirsty. always. not parched. not dehydrated. thirsty. i mean, i'm not always craaaaving something to drink, but i would never think a beverage was a bad idea. you put a glass of water in front of me, and i'll not only drink it but finish it, as well. i probably wouldn't even sip it. i'd drink it and have another. i'm diabetes thirsty.

so clearly i have that diabetes that makes you thin and thirsty. i'm certain of it. there are two types of diabetes. aren't there? one makes you thin and thirsty; the other makes you... fat and moist? i know i heard this somewhere. i couldn't have just made something like that up on my own. well, if there is a diabetes that makes you thin and thirsty, i have it... maybe.

webmd.com, here i come because god knows i'd never go to a real doctor about my possibly made-up disorder.

this is why we have the internet, so crazies like me can self-diagnose.

Monday, October 04, 2004

i wish i could say time flew because i was having fun.

almost 3 months have managed to craaaaaawl by me, and it bothers me to admit that little to nothing has changed for the better.

i, now, live at home, an interesting experience though hardly exciting. day in and day out, i spend my daily 24 in the company of ma and pa. suddenly, i'm 3 years old again, and my best friends are my parents. i have no responsibility, yet somehow earn an allowance. do not fret; it boggles me as well. i know i was meant for more... i just don't know for more of what.

however, i beg you not to fear for my sanity or well-being. i do manage to escape nearly every weekend to spend time with the old gang. they are an easy comfort. old habits are so hard to break.

with no true end in sight - an end to this less-than-luxurious lifestyle i lead, that is - i recently decided to shift my take on things. like i said, i have zero responsibility at home (mostly because my parents and i both thought i'd be out of here by now), so i am blessed with a glorious 8 hours of solitude each and every day. 8 hours that i, and only i, get to decide how to spend. thus, in an official decree to myself, i will use these daily 8, for as long as they may last, to become the person i have so longed to be for, well, so long (or as close as i can get to being that person in 8 hours a day).

i will begin taking a serious approach to reading, perhaps, even reading some of those so-called "textbooks" i have left over from my harrowing 4 years at a university.

i will begin taking a serious approach to diet and exercise. i've always wanted a slightly thicker build, so i assume i could start eating twinkies while i watch tele... err, while i read all day, then follow that up with a little time on that workout machine i've had since last christmas. it's about time it saw what's outside its box. it's about time i saw it outside its box.

i will begin taking a serious approach to making myself a more valuable workplace resource. i keep seeing these commercials, which i guess i won't see once i start reading all day, for these online classes that get you prepared for an information technologies exam. once you pass the exam, you become it certified, which is apparently a great thing for working professionals. i've always been really good at tests, so i figure i'm a sure thing.

those should keep me busy for at least a week. those and a return to my teeth whitening regimen.

as sure things go, i'm the surest.

molly's p.s. - there won't be any more of these. you're back from italy, and i talk to you on a pretty regular basis. i could start making them for lindsey, as she's in london now, but she prefers email. i prefer drawing her crude pictures and mailing them across the ocean to her. luckily, she's willing to compromise. i wish i could draw crude pictures on here because i've got something to say... and occasionally, it can only be properly conveyed in crayon.