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Friday, June 30, 2006

today, i'm a clock-watcher.

i watch as moments tick by, counting down another year.

tomorrow, i turn 24, which means i am still closer to 20 than 30. oh, and it also means that i am still younger than old, old, so-very-old molly. phew!

let's recap things that have happened this year, july 1 to july 1:
  • a year ago tomorrow, i turned 23 and felt old... then young again when i remembered that molly is consistently 2 years older than i am.
  • though it started officially at the end of last may, with the joseph's return from asia at the end of last july, my first real relationship began.
  • in august of last year, the temperature in our apartment reached all time highs, forcing molly and i to see even the most awful of hollywood's summer faire just for the air conditioning.
  • this past september, my immediate family plus brother's girlfriend visited to celebrate the madre's birthday; nothing says "adulthood" quite like planning a weekend adventure for your family that involves boat tours, metal beans, improv comedy, baseball, and edamame.
  • last october, i became super boyfriend with the giving of an amazing birthday present, went on my first trip as one half of a couple, played the roles of uber-talented designer and british tourist in the same trip to boston, slept in an incredibly small room with my college roommate, did not wear a halloween costume (for the first time since i was a boy), and saw madonna drop by the roxy.
  • during a trip to dc in november of last year, my most favorite pair of underwear ever was eaten by an airport, my family illegally boarded a plane, and i learned that while i really have nothing in common with my uncle we share one important characteristic.
  • after years and years of awful new year's eves, this past december saw the worst one to date.
  • january opened with the ending of my first, real relationship. nothing says "happy new year" like a broken heart and losing your first love. goodbye, the joseph.
  • february = most embarassing valentine's day ever!
  • in march, molly and i dealt with the insanity that is ronny and managed (after a multitude of headaches) to snag his apartment. while we are now sure it was worth the struggle, it took many, many, many strong, strong, strong alcoholic drinks to get us to this reconciliation.
  • this past april, i realized i will never be smart enough to do my own taxes and surrendered to the idea that i will be paying h&r block way too much money to do alegbra for the rest of my days.
  • in may, i drove 32 hours to spend 36 hours in vermont. i do not regret a second of it.
  • june brought the beginning of the gayest summer ever in chicago. while many believe it began with the recent pride festivities, those in the know were aware that it truly began with ben's birthday.
  • tomorrow, i turn 24... and while i do not know how i will celebrate (again) or with whom i will tick off one more year, i do know that no matter what happens, that no matter who is there, and that no matter how it is spent, i will always be younger than molly... and quite honestly, that is just enough.

happy brett day everybody!

(oh, and happy fourth, too, i suppose)

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

apparently in italy, priests are like rock stars.

i mean, i've always thought the papalcy had an air of liberace about it, what with the gobs and gobs of gold and the plastic bubble car, but i've never really thought of priests as icons... especially of the sex variety.


until now.


yep, some crazy italian priests have a calendar, and let me tell you, in all my years as an altar boy, i never saw nothing that looks as damn fine as these padres.





...and my personal fave...

father november





bless me father, for i have sinned...


i think it's time for us to go in the confessional now, apply that holy chism, and spread the good words.


christ hanging on the cross, why are they wasting celibacy on these hotties?!?

Friday, June 23, 2006

if you are out and about in boystown this weekend, celebrating pee-ride, you will see me... and if you're lucky, i'll see you, too.


you might be wondering how i can be so sure. i mean, yes, the odds are with me, but one never knows.

perhaps i am riding on a float. nah.

maybe i'm in a band that is performing on one of the stages. nope.

possibly i'm working at one of the more popular booths like the hrc or the center on halsted. no.


then how. how is it that you will certainly see me should you walk the streets with your gay little chin held high?


i'm going to be that crazed, drunken fool yelling at you from my balcony above a parking lot and throwing beads at your head!

i might also be that silly, debaucherous lad doing keg stands on a second-floor balcony and dancing to the free tunes pumping from whatever band is performing at the 7-11.


this is how i know. because like the eye of sauron atop the dark tower, i see all of pride from my so-very-fucking-fabulous perch and all of pride shall see me!



be prepared to spot and be spotted.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

have you seen the promos for nbc's new fall drama heroes?



can we talk about how m-effing excited i am for this show?
of course we can!

for your reading pleasure, i will use bullet points.

  • this is a show about normal people who discover they have amazing powers. it's all very x-men without a school or a bald guy in a wheelchair... and we know how i geek out over the x-men.
  • milo ventimiglia. he's not a dream boat, necessarily, but i've been watching him since he was jess on gilmore girls and chris on american dreams. oh, and his birthday is exactly one week after mine. he, lindsay lohan, and i really need to look into some sort of joint birthday party.
  • hello, asian-american representation! masi oka plays a japanese man who discovers he can teleport. hooray for diversity!
  • i love me some mutants.
  • it's a show about growth. the characters aren't superheroes from the get-go. they're everyday peeps who have to learn what these new powers mean.
  • greg grunberg plays a beat cop who finds he can read peoples' minds. greg grunberg is great. he was sean blumberg way back in the day on felicity and was delightful as agent eric weiss on alias. plus, as i've just now discovered on imdb, he could participate in the bremildsay birthday blowout... making it the brelinmileg birthday blowout. i think i just said something dirty in norwegian.
  • one character is an impervious, quickly-healing, tissue-regenerating high school cheerleader. helloooooo, clearly the only thing better than hugh jackman as wolverine is a high school cheerleader as wolverine.
  • similarly to lost, the writers have been quite genius in leaving the premise open to introducing new characters at any point in time, and with the breadth of stories and characters to draw upon from the comic book world, i am sure we will see this ensemble cast expand and contract over time.
  • i don't know who she plays or where she came from, but there's a woman named tawny cypress on the cast. tawny. cypress. if she's not a stripper or a drag queen, i'll be shocked and amazed.

what i'm not excited about:

  • ali larter. oh, you know her. of final destination 1 and 2 fame. and that horror film, varsity blues. yeah, that's her. not-so-very-excited about her being on this show. fingers crossed that they drown her in the ensemble. or just drown her.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


uh, so these
shoes and i need to be together forever...



hello, lover!




i dooooooo have a biiiiiiirthday coming up!

*cough* hint *cough* *hack*10 1/2*hack* *weeze*hint*weeze*


phew, my allergies are awful right now. ick.

Monday, June 19, 2006

oh, the places you'll go...




...in the midwest and northeast, apparently.

i guess i need to feel the influence of manifest destiny and head my ass west.


create your own visited states map



p.s. i am def not a fan that all those states are red. wtf, web application. wtf, indeed.
p.p.s. it has since come to my attention that i have, in fact, been to nebraska, arkansas, connecticut, and rhode island.

Friday, June 16, 2006

tonight, we celebrate the birth of my (local) best friend forever.



happiest of birthdays, mon frere!



we be getting ben tipsy in the club tonight. hilarity shall ensue. debauchery shall be no stranger.

we gonna sip bacardi 'cause it's his birfday!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

okay, so people and i need to have a little chat...

i give you america's #1 hot bachelor...




american idol, taylor hicks.




seriously?!? seriously. c'mon!

i mean, i understand that he's an eligible bachelor and one current focus of the public eye. america likes him and wants to know what he's doing. this i understand. what i do not understand is #1 and hot.





i mean, the man is at the top of the world right now. he's set, having won the biggest season of idol yet... but still. seriously?!? seriously. okay... maybe he's cute in that 29-year-old grandpa sort of way. not something i'm particularly attracted to, but according to roommate, old-25-year-old girls eat this shit up. whatevs, straighties... whatevs. that guy is not "hot". cute, maybe. endearing, perhaps. hot? never.


and it would appear that people is not wholly convinced of its decision either...


in this picture from the magazine, they're employing a tried and true strategy: throw enough hot girls at a guy, and someone is bound to think he's a hottie. taylor is also the only one of the "hot bachelors" to have company in his photos. all the others are solo. mmmhm. maybe people just needs to get off idol's cock.

and as further evidence of taylor's not-hotness and for your viewing pleasure, i provide you with two of the bachelors mr. hicks managed to beat out for the #1 slot. now these men are hot. fiery depths of hell, center of the fucking sun, tip of the jalapeno pepper, nuclear meltdown hot.


get the phone, because it's matthew mcconaughey phoning in his love (for me).
Free Image Hosting at allyoucanupload.com
Free Image Hosting at allyoucanupload.comFree Image Hosting at allyoucanupload.comFree Image Hosting at allyoucanupload.com

this man can play naked bongos on my ass and call me susan for all i care, as long as he keeps that accented voice that could induce labor and manages to continue looking this damn good. christ hanging on the cross, he's almost 40 and looks about 10 years younger than grandpa hicks.

Free Image Hosting at allyoucanupload.comFree Image Hosting at allyoucanupload.com

where's hicks' gq cover? hmm. where is it? it doesn't exist. you know why? because he's not effing hot enough.

you know who is though...




jake "despite the fact that brett has an odd dislike for blue eyes, i'm so m-fucking hot because my recent decision to rock the scruff has allowed him to look past that" gyllenhaal.



uh, yeah. hi. let's move to boston and get gay-married.



i'd be his athletic supporter anyday.



oh, the life of a cableknit sweater.



i think it's safe to say he's not the only one who's wet.


oh, you coy little bitch. however, i do enjoy that he wears my promise ring to photoshoots.



[sigh]


now, if only that taylor hicks guy would look my way... i hear he's dreamy.

[barf]




you can thank me for the matt and jake pictures later.

Friday, June 09, 2006

go, joe. go!



[pumps fist a la arsenio hall]


what a wonderful tribute/rant just in time for the gay high holidays!



thanks, jmg.

Thursday, June 08, 2006


so brad and angelina had their baby...

finally.



i can think of only 1 thing that would make this occasion all the more wonderful and joyous and amazing and spectacular...








i think i got daddy's nose and mama jolie's d.s.l. connection (and i ain't talking about the internet).

now, i get all the maddox-time i want. boo-yah!


i can't wait to go over to grandpa voigt's house for christmas!




p.s. apparently, blogger has been a real cunty bitch lately, and hasn't been showing this post. i apologize, but... uh, yeah, not much i can do about it. so deal.

Friday, June 02, 2006

as my little friday gift to you all, i give you...


[drum roll]





more gems of wit and splendor from the mothership


on a friday night:
[phone rings]
moi: hello.
madre: why are you home?
moi: what?
madre: it's friday. why are you home?
moi: i didn't feel much like going out.
madre: did you run out of body glitter again?

on some floundering male suitors:
moi: i don't know. they're just not right.
madre: what do you mean?
moi: well, like they have good jobs. they are successful. they like me. i'm just not crazy about them.
madre: so like you should like them, but you just don't?
moi: exactly.
madre: wow. that's a pain in the ass. well, in this case, i guess not, eh?

on my demanding pictures from our trip to vermont:

moi: why haven't you sent them to me yet?
madre: i keep forgetting.
moi: but i've reminded you several times. i really want them.
madre: i know. i know. i just think subconsciously i don't want you sitting around with your friends, making fun of my hair or my shoes.

on my beard: (i'm sure you can see where this one's going)
madre: so, what else is new with you?
moi: not too much... oh, so i've got a beard now.
madre: what? wait, what?
moi: i've got a beard now.
madre: you all still do those?
moi: i didn't know people had really stopped.
madre: so what's her name?
moi: huh? no, no, no... ma! like facial hair!
madre: oh, i thought you meant you'd gotten yourself a katie holmes.

on the mail for me that still comes to their house:
madre: so could you tell the post office that you don't live here anymore?
moi: well, i'm afraid if i forward my mail, they'll forward dad's, too. none of my mail has my middle initial on it.
madre: well, how about just the hrc and lambda legal stuff?
moi: sure, i can call them or something. why, though?
madre: i'm just tired of the mailman looking at me like i'm a sad, sad, foolish woman.


you're welcome!

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